Originally when I decided to join the conversation started by Briana Saussy in her blogpost, Seeming Being, and the Courage to go Deeper, and continued by Aidan Wachter in his response, A Beautiful Light?, I thought I was going to write about the land I live on. Many unanticipated circumstances, however, have intervened and lead me to different place. First I did some Hedge-crossing on May Day Night. I then concluded my year and a day Earth ritual series, followed up by a massive working with both St. Cyprian and Santisima Muerte. Every step of the way illusions were shattered, expectations exceeded, and my sense of "being" tested.
I first questioned the seeming nature of reality versus its true nature when at the age of sixteen I read the Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu, the same year I took High School Chemistry. As I learned about atoms and molecules and how they affect each other I became fascinated with how all that was happening at a level we could not perceive without highly specialized equipment. Remembering the Tao, I was struck by the awesome simplicity of it; what is is, but you cannot know all that is because you are part of all that is. Godel's Incompleteness Theorem, several centuries earlier, espoused by a poet mystic.
Since that year I have always questioned that which I think happened versus what may have actually happened. as Robert Anton Wilson said, "A flag flying in the wind is the truth, everything else is just media." In other words to know the reality of something we must experience the reality of something and even then our experience becomes a filter of interpretation skewing that reality. In this model, reality becomes fluid, which it appears to be at a quantum level.
THERE AND BACK AGAIN
The night of May first into May second I crossed the hedge with the aid of entheogens. I had visions of riding to Brocken for the Walpurgisnacht Sabbath , which of course had happened the night before. I recognized this as a projection of fantasy and desire, so I began to center myself. After becoming quite still, I felt a buzzing sensation in my thighs, it moved up my body until everything was throbbing, buzzing, tingling. I looked up and saw a cloaked figure motion me towards a large cauldron. I went to her. She told me to look into the cauldron.
I asked,"Who are you?"
"As old as the wind, and as dry too. I come in the night, ancient and full of life."
"What is your origin?"
"The fiery remains of stars, that cooled long before your world existed."
"What do I call you?"
"I have been called, Talto, Petrota, and others. You know me as Kali, but I am Lilitu."
Hesitantly I peer into the cauldron, and fall in. I say in because I did not fall down, but rather at an angle and then I lost sense of direction. I saw many things, works that I am completing, works to be initiated, and how I am my biggest blockage. Then I moved up. Up through the earth, up through my feet, up through to my head. I awoke. It was 3:30 a.m. May second.
THE END OF THE EARTH
The second of May ended a year and a day cycle of working with earth. It has forever altered my work, I have found spiritual gold in the most mundane of objects. In the process I discovered the Prima Materia Magica, Dirt. I am a Dirt Sorcerer. So I did my closing work and pledged to work for better dirt everywhere. I normally feel a small vacuum after concluding a ritual cycle, but this time I feel very solid and grounded, literally.
One cycle ends and another begins. Now I begin. I have spent so long with this bit of work that I have lost touch with some parts of myself. I will look them over and decide what no longer serves me and let it go. Other things I will choose to learn more about. My earth work is leading me towards alchemy and a renewed appreciation of Materia.
FROM THE MOUTHS OF SPIRITS
In the wee morning hours of the second day of May, I began to communicate with St. Cyprian and La Flaca. We concluded some previous work and I began to converse with them over some coffee. I asked La Flaca if she had any advice, her response was shocking. She told me to quit complaining. I asked what she meant by this and Cyprian replied. He told me to stop wearing my failure like a badge of honor.
I knew immediately what he meant, I have a tendency to give into a martyr complex. I convince myself that my self imposed suffering is somehow beneficial to the whole of humanity. Horse shit. So many times I have convinced myself that I am part of some oppressed group in the religious minority. This is only true in the sense that there is an overwhelming bias towards one religion in this country; Commerce. As for the minority part, yes I have a spiritual practice that is mine alone. He was admonishing me to own my life. Isn't that what being a sorcerer is all about?
It is these times when I hear things from the spirits that are uncomfortable, or make me uneasy that I know I am dealing with something outside of my normal experience. None of this was presented harshly, just as a nudge in the right direction. This how I know it is Authentic.
THE CAULDRON OF RETURN
After working with La Flaca,and Cyprian I went back to sleep . It was about 6:45 a.m. I dreamt of a circle of light hovering over head, and I was swimming towards it. As I broke the surface, I awoke. I had emerged from the cauldron. At first, I doubted that I had done workings until I noticed the lit candles, incense ash, and fresh roses from the garden. A flood of memories washed over me and I began to write down what I could remember. Some of it will take a while to figure out, but most is clear. I am not the same as when I entered.
I have strength and resolve that was missing before. Some of the things I took for granted are crumbling and falling apart. The facade is decaying, but there is already new growth, and I must face myself and ask those three questions.
Who are you?
Where do you come from?
What is your name?