Breakdowns and Breakthroughs

About a week ago I crashed. I crashed hard, as if I fell thirty feet into an empty pool. This was just a precursor, the set up before the main act. In the depths of my fall, my wife, the most amazing intuitive healer I know, simply asked, "What do you need?" Without hesitation or thought applied I responded that I needed a shaman. She handed me a cigarette of tobacco and said, "This is shaman tobacco and it will heal you, because I say so." I smoked my first tobacco in many years and felt nauseous, sick, my head was spinning so hard I had to lie down. What happened next will change my life forever.

  

I awoke from a nap and I knew what had to happen. Into the bath I placed salt, damiana, and passion flower, everything seems to work better in threes. As I soaked in the bath I heard the words, "Audiam Vocem", speak out loud, give voice. This has been a recurring piece for me, but I had never really awakened to the power that resonates from the spoken word. Now I was talking to myself and all others who were in attendance, there were definitely spirits there, mostly ancestral, and then I broke down.

A wise man once told me that one must breakdown before they can breakthrough. On this morning I learned the full import of his words, I broke. I began talking to my Grandmother and I cried in a way that I have not cried in many years. I sobbed from the bottom of my soul for my loss, my shame, and my love. She is physically gone, never to return, no more hugs, her smell gone, LOSS. I did not visit her enough as an adult, and I cannot reverse that, SHAME. She will always be with me dispensing wisdom and guiding me, LOVE. Then my head cracked wide open.

I found myself in a quiet wisdom the likes of which I have never known. At that moment I knew the stomach issues have that plagued me since I found out she was departing, disappeared. I had been holding in so much it was making me sick. A bit of tobacco given to me with love and intention, shook me into Giving Voice to my inner turmoil and facilitated healing. Healed by Poison because of intention transforming it into Soul Medicine, the essence of the Poison Path, and all shamanic traditions worldwide.

Psychedelics and I have a long history, mostly as a vision questing tool, but this was shamanic healing, something I personally have never experienced. Strange because I have helped many others over the years, now I was being healed by an act of kindness, a medicine plant with intention and the power of speaking out. The closest experience I have to explain how profound this has all been is remembering how profoundly my first psychedelic experience was. That morning after when one knows that they will never look at the world the same way ever again. Like that but with a calm warm loving knowledge of how blessed I am to be here now.

Over the next few days so many wonderful things have been revealed to me, my path opens. I have much to say about the Plants and their medicine, but first I must plant my seeds. I have much to say about Santisima Muerte and San Cipriano, but first I must plant my seeds. There is a Magical Garden that will become my life's work, but first I must plant my seeds. I have begun a major recalibration of my energy and direction, soul sustenance that is manifesting all because of seeds that I have already planted.

Whispers from the Underworld

A few days before the Feast of the Dead, Aidan Wachter, wrote this piece at his blog, Hotel Vast Horizon, about Ur-sorcery. He gives me credit for partially inspiring the post because I had been discussing Dirt Sorcery and "old line eclectics"(of which I am one), in my Facebook group, Black Moon Lodge, but I am beginning to suspect that other agents are at work here. First amongst these is the absolute randomness that lead me to Aidan in the first place, not to mention the people I met along the way. Secondly there are the whispers from below that are guiding me. Towards what I am not quite sure, but the current is strong and definitely flowing. Lastly the amount of High Weirdness and Synchronicity that I am experiencing, which is off the charts, even for this time of year, suggests an agency I have yet to experience in my life.

Background

I began my journey over 30 years ago at the tender age of 15.That was 1983, long before the "Teen Witch" craze of the nineties, hell that was even before the book Teen Witch came out. I grew up in Houston, Texas, where Santeria from South Texas, Louisiana Voodoo, and Piney Woods Hoodoo overlap. As a child I watched my mother and her friends "Draw down the moon" on the Texas coast, and helped my friend's Arbuelas prepare ofrendas and dress veladoras. I grew up hearing tales of the Man in Black that met you at the crossroads at midnight, or during an overnight cemetery vigil. So when I gave myself a mo-hawk to connect with the indigenous spirits and join the outcast culture of punk it was a double initiation for me.

I did not discover Wicca or Thelema until I was in my twenties, although my step-sister did introduce me to Uncle Al, and his Liber Al Legis, much earlier. My first forays into this "Other" were a copy of the Tibetan Book of the Dead, and a very worn copy of Pow Wows, or Long Lost Friend, that I found at my local library. Those early days were exciting, fearful and largely unproductive, but the raw feral intensity was unmatched, until recently.

Santos

I am a devotee of Santisma Muerte, and have been since I got her tattooed on my arm 13 years ago. Most of the intervening years have been spent in a magical retirement of sorts, and then depression nearly killed me. In November of 2011, on the Monday before Thanksgiving, I attempted suicide. While on the other side Santisma Muerte and the Baron both came to me; the message was simple, I was not done. During the resultant therapy I realized that I had let my spiritual life lapse, and had lost my Voice. This blog was borne out of that journey. My work had only just begun.

Santisma Muerte spoke to me. I cannot explain this in a coherent way, or in a way that those without the experience can understand. Suffice to say I literally heard her voice, and she told me seek out Saint Cyprian. I was completely unfamiliar with the Patron Saint of Necromancers, when she told me to seek him out. So I went to the source I trust with such matters, Lucky Mojo. From there I was able to tease out a ritual and make initial contact; then this years Feast of the Dead came.

I have written elsewhere about my journeys through the elements and my Grandmother's passing, so this has been an intense year for me personally. After lighting the candles on my altar, I broke down in tears remembering the gifts my Grandmother gave me, the most important one being the planting of seeds. That night I dreamed of Saint Cyprian. This is what I remember from my notes in my dream journal.

Die Unterwelt

I am alone in a wooded space. The land is alive and interactive. I feel the need to move towards the sound of a river. I find the river and decide to hike upstream. I notice two upright rocks making a triangular arch over an opening into the earth. At the cave entrance I see a figure, so I move closer. It is Saint Cyprian. He points to the cave and tells me that I must spend a year and a day in the ground. Inside I meet Mother Bear and she gives me medicine; next spring I will emerge from darkness to nurture what I have borne forth. So I will spend more time working with Earth energy, and around Beltane I will have spent my year and a day in the earth, the ground, the underworld, the root of all things.

That was my dream. This is my interpretation of that dream. I am at the roots of the tree, the underworld, where the great serpent dwells. Beneath everything is the serpent, the Great Serpent Below, the current that flows beneath all traditions. I am to spend more time tapping into that current to inform my work now and for many years to come. I asked Santisma Muerte to open roads for me and boy howdy is she opening some roads. For the first time (admit it you heard Dio's Last in Line) I feel as if my "everyday" life and my "spiritual" life are merging. 

Planting Seeds

My Grandmother occupies my earliest memories of planting seeds. Everything she taught me can be summed up in this. You plant.You nourish. You love. You pray. You nurture. You Prune. You Fertilize. You nourish. You sing. You dance. You nourish. You harvest. This is the essence of my magic at it's core, and my Methodist Grandmother taught it to me. So I will get to the roots in the underworld and spend my year and a day. I am a seed and I will burst forth as new life, to bear fruit and begin again. With my roots nourished by the primal current, that Ur-sorcery, I will grow and manifest my vision. My Vocation and my Avocation shall be as one. 

There are forces, animal spirits, mineral spirits, plant spirits, elevated ancestors, and spirits of place, they all wear many masks and manifest to each individual differently, but despite cultural costuming they all spring from the same source. Tapping into this current of Ur-sorcery, allows me to find my own individual expression of what Lao Tzu called ,"Tao" and Rob Brezsny calls "The Divine Wow". This dance of veils and masks is what we call life, and behind it all a current runs, the trick is knowing how to steer your Craft.

Communion with the Ancestor Spirits

For now I will be brief and just post some hints of more to come. The work is still in progress and I must review my notes and make them more cohesive. I promise that within the week there will be more, and the return of Open Sourcery. For now I leave you with this.

Growth Beyond Dreams

I am happy to announce that in 19 months I have had over 10,000 page views. This month saw another benchmark, with an all time high of 95 page views in a day. I have an audience in Europe, the United States, Canada, and Australia, this something I never anticipated. When I began my blog it was born out of a need born in therapy. I realized that I felt I had no voice and needed to Give Voice to my thoughts and feelings.The URL for my blog reinforces this; Audiam Vocem literally means to verbalize, or speak out loud, i.e. Give Voice.

In the intervening 19 months I have encountered and virtually befriended many great people. Words alone cannot express the gratitude and appreciation I have for you all and the continued support you show for me and my path. So with as much heart and LOVE as I can express in this imperfect medium, Thank You. I look to the future with renewed vigor and optimism. This is a gift I can never fully repay, I shall be forever in your debt.

Many Blessings.
Keep up the Great  Work.
By the Powers Within and Without.
Pax, Amor, Lux.
So Mote It Be.

New Medicine

I have owl medicine. That is to say, owl and I work together. She has taught me much over the years and I don't know where my work would be without her. Owl Woman is one of my patrons, she is an entry point for many different pathways. Now Owl tells me there is another and I must learn her medicine.

Mama Bear has come to me in dreams over and over again. I want to accept her medicine, but I do not know how. I cannot  go and see Bear in the wild like I did Owl. The last bears in this part of

Texas were killed off in the 1950's. our state had no regulations until 1973, and did not prohibit bear hunting until 1983. There is a glimmer of hope, bears have been spotted in the hill country west of where I live and along the Rio Grande corridor. As of yet these have been isolated incidences of young males wandering during drought, looking for new food opportunities. Still I have hope.

Apex predators are a sign of a healthy and thriving ecosystem, for most of North America historically this was the Black Bear. Bear can thrive in most biomes from mountain to forest to seashore to swamp and even desert. Versatility is always good medicine. There is much for me to learn from Bear, but I still do not know how to proceed.


So I will call upon bear and do ritual to honor her spirit. It is Mama Bear who must return, until cubs are born here there is no established population. I will fight for the right of Bear and will work with groups dedicated to her survival. Meanwhile I will use my medicine to call her back, so that she can teach me her medicine. This is how it always is with spiritual allies, we must develop relationships. 
 
Oracion de Espiritu Osos:
Mama Osa llamo a usted con amor en mi corazon y confianza en mi alma. Puedo estar al servicio de  uste dy su tipo. Duchame con las benidiciones de su medicamento. Honro tu espiritu, y doy gracias por tu existencia.Llego los Personas Osos.Benidiciones y Alabanza a ti.

Reverential Relationships and Adorations

Not Worship and Obedience

 Alliances of Mutual Aid

When I work with Plant Spirits, or befriend Animal People, or receive medicine from the Earth, there is always a reciprocal action required. Many have assumed this to be a pay for hire type of arrangement, but that's not really how it works. There are definitely spirits that work that way, and for expediency they may suffice, but just like a convenience store, you will pay more for what you actually get. Long term commitments, here as in romance, are generally the preferred and strongest path to take.  What a spirit needs will vary from individual to individual, although some of the more well known spirit spectrums, have some general items that work as introductory gifts.

Gifting is exactly what is happening here. Sometimes in the process of working together one party or the other realizes that the other is in need. When this situation arises, both parties work together to assure healing and growth, together they gain. Sometimes the need is stated upfront and to the mind of some this seems like a demand for payment, or worse an imposition. But if one only takes the time to consider the great imposition our species has placed upon the entire biosphere, a little hastiness on the part of those we have collectively driven to the brink is to be forgiven. Again one must remember perspective and adjust reality tunnels as much as possible. It is just as important to receive a gift with grace as it is to give with grace. If a spirit offers a gift accept it. When the time comes the spirit will let you know what kind of gift it requires. More often than not you will not need to ask, you will know when a gift of water is enough, and when other actions are required. If there are items and actions you are opposed to let the spirit know up front, it may test you, but do not let it test you more than once, if it tests you again, break off ties with that spirit.

Adoraciones

Adoration is not worship. Worship is not some thing I understand entirely. When I hear someone talk of worshiping gods, my animistic brain can not fathom it. Gods are forces of nature much like lightening, and just as I would not worship lightening or electricity, nor will I worship a god. I will give reverence, that is to say I will honor its spirit, just as I respect rattlesnake by heeding his warning. 

Adoration is a form of reverence, in the same way that having a celebration dinner for a colleague honors their achievements, so too does an oferenda to a spirit ally or feast in honor of a saint.Compliments paid to a friend on their birthday are similar to the spirit of adorations in honor of one's spirit allies and venerated ancestors. Every relationship should be about honor and mutual respect or it will dissolve. 

Webs of Meaning

Eventually everything links and you discover the respect you show is returned and you become part of a current much larger than you had ever imagined. Universe is alive and communicating on many different levels, but one must slow down to listen. The cactus wants to teach you something. The

hummingbird wants you to learn how to drink the nectar of life. Rattlesnake brings everything into sharp focus. Spirit dwells everywhere not just in some hoary heaven on high. The ordinary is extra-ordinary, the natural, super-natural.

Once you awaken you cannot go back to sleep, but you can slip into darkness. Walk with fierce love in your heart, beauty in your eyes, and loyalty to Earth in your bones. Remember to look up at night into the depths of space, the Great Mother, and feel awe. Discover the Hidden Wilderness in your soul and feed it daily. Give over to calling. Come dance in the wilderness.

Shadowsof the Underworld

There are times when I know with unquestionable certainty that the course of events unfolding before me are the result my hard work and endeavor. There are times where I feel as if I am one of the most privileged individuals alive just by bearing witness to the amazing things that happening at this very moment. But there are Other Times, the times when I am overwhelmed, the times when I am swept away, the times when I am laid low, the times when I succumb. 

You see I have an on again, off again love affair with the Dark Goddess. Kali, Cerridwen, Hecate, Erzulie, or Santima Muerte, it matters not what you call her, at the heart she is always the same, fierce yet loving, clinging and giving, harsh but truthful, vulgar and refined, reviled and exalted, in essence, Woman Herself. All of the fears our society has of these Goddess forms are the same fears our society has about Women. 

Enter Pomba Gira, a spirit spectrum characterized by being the personification of female beauty, sexuality and lust. I say spirit spectrum because like so many spirit allies, Pomba Gira, is more of class of spirit, most widely used in the Quimbanda and Umbanda traditions of Brazil. Admittedly, some of the imagery may be a bit loaded for someone from the Western Pagan Community, especially if that person is dealing with leaving the christian faith. Open your mind, eyes, and ears, then learn about the evolution of the imagery, and then you can put it into context. Strip away the cultural baggage and a different image of this Spirit Ally presents itself.

Pomba Gira, deserves to sit beside Kali, Cerridwen, Hecate, Erzulie, and Santima Muerte, this is reflected by the fact that like the goddesses mentioned she bears many titles. Amongst them we find examples of her darker side, Rainha do Cemitério (Queen of the

Graveyard),Pomba Gira Arrepiada (Creeped Pomba Gira), and Rosa Caveira (Rose Skull, literally). There is also evidence of her connection to witchcraft, Pomba Gira das Sete Encruzilhadas (Pomba Gira of the Seven Crossroads), Pomba Gira das Almas (Pomba Gira of the Souls), and Pomba Gira Mirongueira (Enchantress Pomba Gira). Like all liminal goddess forms and spirit allies she also goes by names that speak of her role as Primal Female Power, Rainha das Rainhas (Queen of Queens), Dama da Noite (Lady of the Night), and even simply, Praia (Beach). Too often those that do not know or understand her besmirch and defame her much like those she is the protectorate of; women, children, sex-workers and the LGBT community. Pomba Gira is the spirit to elevate us into the Twenty-First century.

So, help me cause I'm falling again, then again, let me fall. Into the sweet arms of the Goddess in her fullness, Lover and Destroyer, Womb and Tomb, Being and Unbeing, let me fall and rejoice in my good fortune. This is  one of those times, when all the other times come together and words fail to convey the feeling, but as anyone who has been there knows, my life will never be the same. So revel in the wonder, and dare to fall in love, with Everything.